It's time for me to be brutally honest, to say the things I've never wanted to say, and to take the steps I'm still not totally sure I want to take.
I'm an addict and I have been for 17 years.
I use food, alcohol and sex to bear the unbearable.
I noticed one day, years ago, that I felt tremendously alone most of the time, that feelings of stress and fear usually resulted from insecurity in relationship (which I had not yet connected to a brokenness in my relationship to Self) and that my default setting to cope with those feelings was isolating and eating, or clinging to the closest body and giving all of my attention (physical, emotional, mental and spiritual) to that intense moment of sexual climax in which I felt free, loved and whole.
After years of therapy, Twelve Step support, yoga practice, inquiry, journaling, dieting, cleansing, study, training, teaching, catharsis, sharing, living, moving, fucking up and STILL feeling broken at a foundational level, I extended a hand to an entirely new source of support- my addiction. I turned to myself and the compulsive desire I had decided (and been told) was the problem and asked for help. First, I actually turned to my trusted and deeply loving Ayurvedic guide, Sunita Tarkunde. Through our diligent work together I am establishing a pattern of observing and being with the pain. I have allowed myself to articulate core beliefs about worth and wounds and not automatically shut them away for fear of anyone else's feelings about my (perceived) brokenness.
I am becoming the source of healing, rather than the victim, the problem, the source of chaos and inconsistency.
The body is ground zero when it comes to our human experience, but most of us stop our inquiry at that level. Our culture fills us with absurd notions that it's our clothing, our diet, our exercise regimen and our brazenness in the bedroom that will curb or even satisfy our deeply rooted cravings. On some level (the gross body level,) that could be true. There's no doubt food, exercise, physical and sexual confidence and dressing in a way that feels authentic can create shift. But under that physical craving lies much, much more that cannot be dressed up or dieted away.
This process is not without tremendous difficulty. I have relied on food, alcohol and sex as my most trusted allies in coping with the stress of life. While they have not made me happier, they have ALWAYS been there when I need them, and in that consistency we have an incredibly strong alliance. Over the next few weeks I'm going to explore with you the messages of your Four Levels of Being- Physical, Emotional, Mental and Spiritual and ways to integrate nourishing resources into the intimate ritual of coping. We will, together, discover the source of impulse, pain, craving, creativity and healing.
Please share if you know someone who will benefit from this work, and please reach out to let me know what your areas of greatest need might be.