3 Steps To Ramp Up Your Sex Drive Post-partum

This article orignally appeared on The Baby Chick

Feeling sexy can be a monumental task during the hormonal ups and downs of pregnancy and postpartum. Not only is feeling sexy possible during this time, but it’s important. Sexual intimacy produces oxytocin–the “love” hormone–but sexual intimacy also requires oxytocin for lubrication. Without that feeling of love and adoration–for yourself as much as your partner–sex can feel labor-intensive (no pun intended) and anti-climactic. Now let’s be clear–that “feeling” of love and adoration is not usually our baseline state when we’re running on three, maybe four hours of sleep and intervals of diapers and crying. BUT, it is possible to learn to cultivate your own sex drive after baby, and harness your hormones for pleasure, as long as you’re willing to take a few preliminary steps.

As women, we naturally understand the phenomenon of ebb and flow that accompanies hormones, but we don’t get much information on how to work with these fluctuations rather than simply tolerating them until they pass. We want, need, believe and do wildly different things during our hormonal intervals, and these hormones can be harnessed like horses pulling a chariot using your food, rest and movement choices. Bottom line: getting in the mood requires getting in the present to help you feel like a tigress more often than not.

1. Tending to your nutrition

Hate to say it but caffeine, alcohol, and sugar are sex saboteurs. These substances provide instant gratification to our fatigue, stress, and fluctuating emotions, but ultimately further scramble the hormones that were out of whack to begin with.

Appetite, cravings and digestion are all tied to your hormones. This means that what you want to eat and what you need to be eating fluctuate, and sometimes it’s hard to interpret the body’s messages. Bottom line, you’ve got to keep your blood sugar balanced. That means eating regularly and well. You need fresh fruits and vegetables, complex carbs and a source of protein. You need lots of water throughout the day. And guess what? So does your child! Whether or not you’re breastfeeding, there’s a consistency and quality to feeding that you’re tracking in your child. It’s 100% easier to put yourself in a relaxed state to feed and encourage your child to eat when YOU feel nourished.

If you have identified this as an area of need, get help. Enroll your partner in the morning to make breakfast and play with the little one while you eat. After baby’s bedtime, prep the next day’s meals for yourself. Have carrots and apples and peanut butter and hummus on-hand and ready to go. Eating enough to feel satisfied, but not so much you feel bloated happens when you’re present with your food. Turn off the TV, put down your phone, and the 5-10 minutes you have to yourself can actually feel like enough. For a more extensive understanding of the hormone-food connection, check out Woman Code by Alisa Vitti. Balanced blood sugar is the foundational step to being able to feel anything other than NEED. When your basic need of sustenance is met, you can get on to feeling what you WANT.

2. Tending to your sleep

We could all use more sleep, especially new moms. There are a few realities in the first months of motherhood, and sometimes longer, that must be faced fearlessly. Lack of sleep is one of them, and heightened stress levels are another. In the midst of short sleep intervals and a whole lot of physical, emotional and mental output throughout the day, deep relaxation practices are an indispensable resource for your wellness.

The good news is, you can practice deep rest in a few minutes. Longer is better, but doing the practices is what really counts. Start by feeling your breath. This simple check-in can immediately restore a sense of ease. You are, after all, entirely dependent on oxygen, and in a heightened stress or deep fatigue state, oxygenation tanks. Breathe in and out slowly five or six times. Then bring attention to your body — your bones, your muscles, your skin. Where are you gripping? Where are you numb? Does your body want movement? Water? A gentle stretch?

 

Little check-ins like this, throughout the day, can happen with a baby in your arms. A longer check-in like this at night before bedtime can also encourage deeper, more satisfying sleep. Social media is the antithesis of sleep, and television is another thief of restfulness and calm. Try checking in with yourself and pushing pause on everything else right now. These moments remind you that you are right here, right now, and empower you to feel nourished and cared for–the ultimate aphrodisiac.

3. Tending to your Self

Moving your body is the single best thing you can do for sex drive. I list this step last because it will be bolstered by Steps # 1 and 2. What I’m suggesting here is not to take a kickboxing class, or even exercising (although that should be part of your program, too) because often those practices are depleting. I’m actually suggesting that you take time to move yourself.

Put on your favorite album and dance, step into the grass barefoot and do cartwheels, jump on your bed! Get your feel-good-chemical cocktail on from a place of abandon, playfulness, and self-gratification.

With a new baby, no matter how joyful and enriching the experience, there is a massive increase of obligation and output. This is depleting of what is called in Yoga, ojas–your vital essence. Ojas is considered the key to your vitality and longevity and is embodied in us as reproductive fluid — literally the lubricant that makes procreation possible. If you love to dance, dance! Get a babysitterand go take a class. If you love to take baths, take a bath — or better yet, book a spa day! What gets your juices flowing? Think about it. This is a non-negotiable part of your week.

When mama’s happy, everybody’s happy, because you are the heartbeat of the household. Your sense of being held and nourished will amplify your ability to hold and nourish tenfold. Your self-care matters. Feeling joy and ease in your body matters. You have been transformed by the birth of your baby, and now it’s time to harness that powerful experience and fuel your passion for life. Keep it simple! The objective is that it feels good, so if money’s tight, invest in a bath bomb, request an hour to yourself and make a special playlist. Make the bathroom your sanctuary, or, hell, your closet! Make your space sacred and it will be sacred. Love on yourself, and you will be ready and receptive for your partner to love on you.

What do I mean when I say "Food"

Brain dump to the order of 34 years of uncertainty

finally coming to a close.

I want you to GET how insanely powerful your body is, that it doesn’t need to be managed or punished but revered and deliberately tended to on a daily basis, meal by meal, sensational moment by moment. Every time you skip a meal under the guise of ‘not enough time’ you tell yourself, “you’re not important.” Every time you opt out of eating a full meal and binge on snacks you tell yourself, “you don’t deserve better.” Every time you look at yourself in the mirror and pinch and pull and say hateful things to your body, you render yourself homeless. It’s no different than a teen girl being kicked out of her house for having red hair instead of brown (hair color here is arbitrary.)

How much cleansing is necessary? How much fasting and dieting is necessary? Go ahead show me all the studies and facts of why this diet is superior and sooooooo important and I’m still going to ask you, “how’s your anxiety? your depression? do you orgasm and feel a sense of purpose?”

When you understand that regulating your digestion and your hormones IS the skeleton key to regulating your emotions and your thoughts, which IS the key to enhancing your experience of the world and being receptive to real and lasting relationship, you change the course of your life forever. You are the only one who puts or does not put food in your mouth. You are the only one who knows if it does or does not feel stable to bend and push your body, to what degree, and how often. You are the only one who sets the tone for this incredibly sacred space. You decide to keep it clean and inviting for yourself, or pretend it doesn’t exist and wonder why you have nowhere to go, no sense of solid ground, nowhere that feels like home.

Your daily practice is about recommitting to a sense of gratitude for what you HAVE, not what you wish, not what you hope will be, what you HAVE. It is an act of radicalism and the foundational component of living a life of service and not blind privilege, self-sabotage or complaint.

“The harder, duller work of self-care is about the everyday, impossible effort of getting up and getting through your life in a world that would prefer you cowed and compliant. A world whose abusive logic wants you to see no structural problems, but only problems with yourself, or with those more marginalized and vulnerable than you are. Real love, the kind that soothes and lasts, is not a feeling, but a verb, an action. It’s about what you do for another person over the course of days and weeks and years, the work put into care and cathexis. That’s the kind of love we’re terribly bad at giving ourselves, especially on the left.” http://thebaffler.com/war-of-nerves/laurie-penny-self-care

Taking care of your physical body is an act of radical revolt and deep, deep trust in yourself.

**STAY TUNED FOR MORE UPCOMING RAMBLINGS ON FoodSleepSex**