The Four of Cups:
An outsider would look upon your life and see supportive relationships, pleasures and even a bit of luxury. But you don’t see it that way. Instead there’s discontentment, apathy and even greed for more. The four of cups warns not to take your situation for granted, nor the people who supported you along the way. Look around you. What are you truly longing for?
The Wild Unknown Tarot
Last night I drove around Montrose for 45minutes contemplating alcohol as an acceptable antidote to my emotional state. I felt anxious and alone and very vulnerable and my brain was fixated on having a drink. My body was not in pain, nor particularly craving alcohol. It took me the entire 45 minutes to figure that out. When I finally dropped into my emotional body to ask what she actually wanted, it became very clear that alcohol would be of no help whatsoever. Comfort. Recognition. Creativity. I immediately drove home, made a cup of my favorite tea and hopped into bed with my favorite book. I cried, and I slept. I woke up puffy-eyed, but with no hangover and no regret. I woke up to a piece of my power.
On Tuesday night I had a couple of drinks and the next day was so completely exhausted. This may sound like no big deal to some, but I did it because I was nervous. I did it because I was sad. I did it because I didn’t want to be completely open and vulnerable. I did it because I don’t fully trust my capacity to live without it. “It?”
My addiction to pain, suffering, drama, conflict. I’m mourning the loss of my closest confidante and trusted ally.
In recognizing the cycles of pain-binge and their long-term impact I not only feel the ever present sense of fear, doubt and anxiety, I feel completely untethered and lost.
Where do I go from here?
My friends, my trusted, reliable, intimate partners are not the comfort they once were. I don’t recognize them anymore. They have betrayed me. I want them to come back to me and apologize and never hurt me again so that I can go on without this pain, this hunger, this anger that has no escape route.
It’s not appropriate for me to scream or cry or hit or punch or need or worry or doubt or wonder. It’s not ok. I should be stronger than that. I shouldn’t feel the way that I do.
I want to see my ex. I want to eat pints of ice cream in secret and put all of my feelings into that one, sick feeling that will pass in a day or two. I want to go out tonight and finish a bottle of wine. I want to get infatuated with someone and think about them in every waking moment so that I don’t have to think about how anxious I am about my life.
I don’t want to fail. I don’t want to be in transition. I don’t want to doubt myself. I don’t want to have to prove myself. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be in need. I don’t want to feel less than. I don’t want to wait. I don’t want to feel ashamed.
I don’t want to carry my heart around like burden anymore.
*I long for connection and compassion and partnership.
*I want a passionate relationship that floods my senses with enough sense to see/speak/move/act clearly.
*I want stability and structure in my work so that I can fucking let loose and get real in my work.
*I want to transform and unleash the power of my heart into the ether and sing songs with it, chew on her echo and embrace the victory of her sound.